Sometimes I look back on when my kids were small and it seems like a million years ago. And then it seems like only yesterday. I've enjoyed each stage of parenting, and I look back fondly at the baby stage - there were sleepless nights, but things seemed so simple. Days were a routine of feedings, baths and my silly attempts to stimulate their little brains. My oldest paid the heaviest price for my type "A" mothering - vocabulary flash cards, expensive educational systems to build neuro-pathways, every minute of the day structured for optimal development. Blessedly, I relaxed a bit more with my second and third - and we settled for blocks and teething rings and things that rattled.
We rarely had anywhere we
had to be ... everything was optional. So, if the morning didn't go well, you just skipped the playgroup. I controlled every aspect on their little lives - from what they ate, to when they slept to what they played with.
The toddler/pre-school age presented some new challenges. Things became more physical - wrestling a difficult child into a car seat, chasing someone at the park, wiping noses and bottoms. Kids this age need you to DO a lot for them - task after task after task. It could be monotonous. And it could be exhausting. But they were cute, and they could say things like "I wuv you Mommy", that would melt your heart and make it all worth it.
Now my kids are 15, 13 and almost 10. Parenting has taken on a much different look these days. I don't really have to do anything physically for my kids anymore, save for getting out the odd really bad hair knot, or helping my girls paint the nails on their right hands. I still do their laundry - but they get it to the laundry room and sort it by colour. They can make their breakfast and their lunch ... and can even throw together a basic dinner in a pinch. They make their own beds, clean their own rooms ... and I haven't actually seen my older kids naked in years. They get themselves to the bus stop, do their own homework and plan their own schedules for the most part. So it's tempting to wonder what the heck a parent does at this point in life ... after the last couple of weeks I can tell you that it's the most challenging, exhausting and emotionally-draining time we've faced so far. But in a good way.
My oldest has Asperger's Syndrome. Now that he is in high school, I spend countless hours coaching him on the finer aspects of social norms and expectations ... little things that can make the difference between getting by and getting crucified [other Aspie parents will totally get this]. Like how far to stand from someone. And how much eye contact is enough and how much is creepy. And why you actually need to listen to people, and not just wait for your turn to talk. And why you can't send a friend request to the teacher who calls you "buddy". And not only do I need to teach these things to him, I have to teach them over, and over, and over. I have had to find my most patient self, and I believe I'm a better parent and person for having had to.
My girls, on the other hand, are learning to navigate the world of girl friendship - and by that, I want you to visualize something akin to "The Killing Fields". I recall that there were some mean girls when I was growing up, but they didn't seem so plentiful, or so awful. I admit that this could be because I'm now looking through the lens of a mother, and watching my children struggle is so much worse than any memory I have of my own struggles.
But I also know that back in the day, we didn't have such overwhelmingly terrible role models when it came to female behaviour. Now,
for every Hilary Clinton, there are a dozen Real Housewives. And I would bet the farm that the majority of girls today couldn't tell you who Angela Merkel, Sheryl Sandberg or Kathleen Wynne are. But they could tell you exactly what the various Kardashians are up to. The blame for this lies squarely at our own feet. If you parent tweens/teens (especially daughters), you might want to consider the following:
1. Don't buy tabloid magazines - it only supports our culture's tendency to avoid learning about real things by wasting our time reading about crap.
2. Be really careful what reality television you and your children watch. Junk is junk - and it's not just a harmless diversion. It's training our kids to be mean, disrespectful and shallow. Ask yourself if the primary premise of the show is to depict people doing positive things and supporting one another, or to put themselves or others in a humiliating and degrading light. Then make the better choice.
3. Talk about this stuff with your daughters. Have regular conversations about how people should treat each other. Talk about what they can do to help girls who are struggling at their school. Encourage them to lead the way with their friends. It has to start somewhere ...
So, if you've been wondering where all the recipe posts have gone ... well, now you know. It's been sort of busy around here. But, it feels like the most important work I've ever done.
